Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The Best of Both Worlds

If there is one thing I love, it is being a stay-at-home mom. And to make the pot even sweeter, I have loved working from home. Call me Hannah Montana or Big Mama either one, because for the past three years, I truly have had the best of both worlds. Being at home with my babies and bringing in a little bit of money. I've been a lucky girl!

Truth be told, though, I have always known I would have to find something more substantial down the road. I didn't consider that it might come time for a change before I was ready, though, and that has been a real zinger for me, which has thrown off a lot of my "best laid" plans. Like Lent. And not worrying about things. And being a calm and collected being.

So now that I've sort of started looking at what's out there for careers, I've started thinking about what it is I really want to do with my life. Because, after all, we spend most of our lives at our work, so it may as well be something I love, right? I told Brady the other night that I just realized I don't know what I want to be anymore, because really, all my dreams have come true! For the longest time, I wanted to be a mother, and now I am, and I really don't think there is anything else in this world that will ever top being a mom. There is just nothing that compares with the joy my little B's give to me every single day, even when they drive me crazy.

My friends Kim and Kelly know what they want to do - they are both going to Beauty School so they can learn how to cut and color hair. And I am so proud of them! They are both the most amazing women, and they will be wonderful hair dressers. And how lucky will I be to have my own Twin to fix my hair? I envy them knowing what they want to do with their lives, though. They are both wonderful mothers, and they know what they want their future to hold.

Me, I have a B.S. in Communications Management from the University of Portland, for goodness gracious sakes, and communicating is something I am a complete failure at. I truly struggle with communicating. Personally, I sometimes come on too strong or too directly - I don't have that "smooth" that Brady has when it comes to people skills. Professionally, I hyperventilate if I have to speak in front of a group of people. Literally, I cannot breathe, and my heart beats so fast I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. Yes, me! Who used to dream of being a singer, back in my teenage years. Dear Lord! Now that would have been a sight to see, I'm sure! The Simon Cowells of the music industry would have ripped what little bit of self-esteem I ever possessed into shreds, that is for sure!

But last night, as I was climbing into bed with my latest Jodi Picoult book, it hit me. What I love to do more than anything, really, is write! I love writing this blog, which has been a life-changing experience for me. I love to write letters. I love to write, period. The problem is, I don't know how to write a book, and I'm not sure if I could do it. I don't have the most vivid of imaginations, which I'm pretty sure authors need. And I don't like to write articles about a certain something. I just like to write about my life. And where's that going to get me? Well, not richer, that's for sure!

In other words, I'm still searching for the next phase of my career. I know God never closes one door without opening a window and la-la-la, but it is up to me to do the work to actually find the window, right? Not to mention the Great Unknown factor that totally freaks me out. And then you add in my lack of patience, and there you have it. Me, in my crazy form of limbo.

Lucky for me, I still have the best of both worlds while I find my way...

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