Friday, March 12, 2010

Big Mama, Still

YES! I admit it! I am still struggling with the weight, and it is so frustrating. I think I am the only person on the planet who can exercise and GAIN POUNDS! My mother will think "muscle weighs more than fat" as she is reading this. And I know that is true. But damn it! I want to LOSE pounds, not GAIN them. Isn't that the point of working so hard?

I've never been skinny a day in my life. Well, except for when I was a first grader and had to have my tonsils removed - I was thin back then. I have to admit, though, that when I look back on myself a few years ago, like even three, I think, dear Lord! I wish I looked like that now. Believe it or not, when I was the thinnest I have ever been, I ate only one thing. It was a good 15 years ago during the summertime. I was working in my yard, riding my horse daily, jogging a little, and rodeoing all over the country. And all I ate was this: frozen M & M's. That's it! And I did get thin, but I looked haggard and weak and it didn't last for long. As much as I love them, I just couldn't live on M & M's for the rest of my life, you know?

I told Brady my troubles started back in the 8th grade. I've always been "muscular," if you will, since birth, I think. And I always knew I was more on the healthy side than some of my friends when I was growing up. But I've never been obese, really. In the 8th grade, though, I had a major seizure while I was on a school trip in Portland. It was right in the gutter of a Portland street. Right before I went into the seizure, I remember feeling very dizzy and I told my friend Clayton that I felt that way. The last thing I remember is grabbing on to his arm, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in an ambulance, crying, and my mother is jumping into the ambulance. Apparenlty I was awake the entire time, but I wasn't fully concious, so I don't remember the actual seizure. I do remember that I had on a brand new shirt and pair of pants, which were ruined by the street grime. So, off to the hospital we went, and then I had to come home from Portland while the rest of my class stayed and had a high old time. Thank goodness my mom was one of the chaperones! Long story short, I hadn't been eating properly on the trip - for the first time in my life I got to eat junk food, and that morning, we actually had Dunkin' Donuts for breakfast, which was a wonderful novelty for a bunch of country bumpkins like us. So that triggered my seizure. And thankfully, it was the only one I've ever had.

In the meantime, though, I got put on heavy anti-seizure medications, which made me oh-so-tired! And my active lifestyle changed. I wasn't allowed to ride my horse, I couldn't drive, which included haying equipment. So I became the family cook while my mom essentially took my place in the field, and I got chunky. Thus, you can probably figure out that the combination of medication and lack of activity changed my body. And the struggle has been there ever since. Yikes!

Nowadays, every winter I manage to "winter well." That's how ranchers say it. Of course they are referring to their cattle and horses. Which ironically is how I feel - like a fat cow! I'm sure the fact that I grew up on a ranch makes me think this way... But it is how I feel. Blub-blub-blub...

Today the blame for my fatness rests squarely on the shoulders of my family. Yes! Afterall, it is their fault I have to cook so much. And I can't help but have a nibble of what I cook, for crying out loud - I'm not a saint, you know. (Actually, if you've read this blog for any length of time, you probably do know I'm not a saint...) If it weren't for Dr. Phil's book on how to have a "phenomenal family," which means eating meals together, which requires me having to cook for my 3 B's, I know I wouldn't be so chunky. But I probably wouldn't be nearly as happy, either.

Okay, okay! I admit it! Maybe I do eat a tad bit too much chocolate and drink a tad bit too much fizz, as well. I guess it can't all be blamed on my past and my family obligations... Still, I'm just sayin'! Cooking takes a toll on Big Mama's behind.

What works for me is to eat pretty much what I want up until lunch, and then after that, shut the food supply off. That's the only way I've ever been able to lose weight. Well, that and to not eat anything but M & M's. I can't seem to "do" that anymore, though. And then there is the problem of my metabolism, which has never been a fast one. I have the slowest of slows when it comes to metabs. And the older I get, the slower it becomes. Isn't that just great?And this is what my doctor said when I asked him about it. "Don't eat so much." He, afterall, has a very slow metablolism, too, and can only eat one meal a day. Whatever...

So, I just keep trying. And for some reason, I am continually optimistic, and I think every single day, "today is the day I'll lose some weight!" Or, "this is the week I am going to get below (blank) pounds!" Sometimes I consider trying diet pills, but I took those back in my younger days, as well, and all they did was make me nervous and unable to sleep. And we all know Big Mama needs her sleep. Who knows? Maybe I will finally get enough willpower together one of these days to not give in to my weaknesses. Weight has a variety of issues that go with it, like self-esteem, control, indulgence and addiction. What can I say? It is still a "weighty issue."

1 comment:

  1. You are one of the prettiest people I know...take that back...the prettiest mom I know! So pretty I was very intimidated by you at first! When I look at you I do not see any FAT!!! You know I wouldn't say it if I didn't really mean it!!

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