Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Nervous Nellie

Last Wednesday, I woke up nervous. Sick-to-my-stomach nervous, the kind that usually only happens to me when I have a barrel race in front of me. Which means it was the kind of nervous I haven't felt in a very long time, since I haven't been to a barrel race in almost four years. And strangely enough, it really hasn't gone away...

I thought maybe it was because Wednesday is the day my Mom and Dad packed up the house in Sisters and moved back to their home in Hines. It was a hard move for my mom, and I have been worried sick about her. She just had major eye surgery on both eyes, and is still recovering from that. And I know Harney County (as we all call the area) is not where she wants to be. And I know she is going to be alone a lot while my dad is out working, and farther away from me (6 hours!). Not to mention Harney County holds a part of my life I try to forget as much as possible.
But now my mom is doing better. She's depressed about her situation, yes - the renters destroyed their place, as renters do, and she still has a long road of recovery ahead of her with her eyes, which are the slowest healing organ on the body. I heard more of a spark in her voice the last time I talked to her, though, and that made me realize she'll be okay living there. As the world turns, she'll adjust, one day at a time.

So that leaves me to pinpoint where else my nerves might be coming from, and I really don't know. Isn't that weird? As if I'm not weird enough, for pity's sake...! I think the weather has been a factor. I know it could be worse, of course, but it is just so hard to take this rain day after day after day.

And then there is my calendar, which is booked solid until the first day of schools starts in the fall. And I think that is bothering me, as well. Because that means this precious time I have been looking forward to since last September is going to fly by, and then my babies will be another grade older. And my baby-B is going to be in school all day long, just like his sister, and the mere thought just slays me. I had a terrible time with Brailey Shaye going into first grade - her teacher told me she had seen a lot of kids cry, but never a mother... I couldn't help it! Her school was so new to me and I was worried sick about my baby girl. It was a tough transistion, going from her Kindergarten class where she knew every kid to a class where she not only didn't know a soul, but was in a language she didn't understand. Luckily for Britt, he won't have to endure the same level of trauma his big sister did. But now I, Big Mama, am going to be left all alone without my little compadre, and it does wear on my heart.

So now I am in this negative, nervous funk, and I'm not sure when it is going to end? I have so much to be thankful for, and believe me, I am grateful to my toes for all the blessings I've been given. Yet I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I don't know why it's there. What do you think? Does anyone have any ideas? Whatever the reason, the nerves are there. I know they will go away one of these days. Maybe I just need the sun to leach some vitamin D into my bones so I can relax and stop worrying. Let's all pray for sun...


  1. I'm praying! I need it too bad!!!!!!!! It has to be the weather! Looking forward to our weekly talk at the coffee shop next year. You think you have seen tears...JJ will be in 4th fricking grade! I'm going to need you to pick me up off the ground :) hang in there...school is almost out :)

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  3. I bet that means there is a summer of firsts and big memories upon you.... keep that camera ready and keep writing vigilantly in this blog... your little B's are still little don't fret! hugs coley


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