Thursday, April 7, 2011

Searching for Passion

If you are wondering what Big Mama (that's me) has been up to, the answer is "searching."

I am in the midst of trying to determine what I am passionate about... I am searching for the answer to what really makes me tick. What do I love to do? What makes me oh-so-happy? What gives me that feeling of satisfaction? What gets me excited?

Well. Guess what? I have absolutely NO IDEA. And that is where I find myself today. Completely unsure about who I am and what I want to do with myself. YIKES! This is not an easy place for a Capricorn/Type A personality such as myself to be. But, be that as it may, it is where I am at, right now. In other words, I'm a little lost...

I do know that I like to write, knit, read, ride horses and be with my family. I also love to decorate and create things. I like to shop and give things to people. I like to be organized. When it comes to figuring out what really give me a sense of purpose and fulfillment, though, I haven't got a clue.

Sometimes I think about what I would do for a career if I had a choice. What do I wish I was? When I was a kid, I wanted to be a school teacher. I can remember pretending to be a teacher and making (yes, I've always been bossy) my brother be my student. When he wouldn't be my student, I would improvise with pretend students that I actually talked to and assisted and taught. There is a reason I didn't become a teacher, though - it is one of those gifts I don't have. I have come to realize, through my own children, what a gift teaching truly is. And believe me when I say I don't have what it takes to be a teacher - mainly, patience and understanding.

When I went off to college many moons ago (only a few moons if you talk to my little B's, though, because they don't know my "real" age, remember), I thought I would become an advertising executive and live in Seattle making commercials. Now that is a laugh! Can you imagine me in the big city? I live on five acres and feel like I am in town, as it is. A city girl I am not! I have a little city in me, but not so much that I could live in a big place like Seattle and be comfortable day in and day out.

Frankly, I think kids are too young to have to decide what they are going to "be" when they graduate from high school and go to college. How can anyone know at that young age? I certainly didn't. I did get my degree, though, and for that I'm thankful, although my degree is a bit of an irony all in itself, because guess what it is? A B.S. in Communications Management.

REALLY?! I have more trouble communicating than most people I know, and if there is one thing that freaks me out more than anything else in the world, it is talking in front of people. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! All those presentations and speeches in college made me more insecure than anything else. This is what happens to me when I am put into a situation where the focus is on me - I hyperventilate, my heart races, my ears ring and my whole body becomes very hot. Scary stuff! I remember last year during one of Brailey's First Communion classes, us parents were standing in a circle, saying a prayer together with each one of us lighting a candle, one by one. I was the last one to go, and let me tell you - I was not praying! I was panicking the entire time. I made it through the candle lighting, of course, but not without dreadful anticipation of... What? I don't even know what I was so nervous about.

The point being, my passion in life, whatever it may be, certainly has nothing to do with my college degree. So what is it? Besides my children and family, I mean. For the longest time, my little B's have been my world, but as they get more independent and grow, I am realizing how important it is for me to find something for myself. If only I knew how to go about finding it...

Does anyone else have this problem? Does anyone know how to go about finding the secret to being me? That's what I'm after, you know, when it comes right down to it. I'm searching for the secret that makes me happy to be me. Deep stuff... Why is it so hard to find?

1 comment:

  1. You are one of the most "passionate" people I know! You'll figure it out..and I will be there hoping to learn from you :) love you!!


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