Wednesday, January 4, 2012

New Years Tears

Yes, the New Year has already brought a couple of tears to my eyes! This is a very rare occurrence, if you know me at all... I try to save my tears for the really important stuff. And so far this year, I've had a couple of emotionally charged instances worthy of my eyes leaking.

Yesterday, January 3rd, my dad underwent his surgery for prostate cancer. Even though I've been telling myself for two months now that everything would be okay and putting up a brave front for my kids and parents, I was worried sick he would have the incurable kind of cancer in his lymph nodes, which they were unable to determine until they actually "opened him up," as they say. The night before his surgery, we 4 B's turned off all our lights, lit a candle and prayed the rosary for my dad. It was beautiful, and it nearly made me shed a tear. It also gave me enough comfort to make it through the night and into the morning until my mother's phone call came with the news we had been waiting so long to hear. And although the doctor nearly gave up hope himself (the lab took an extra long time, which isn't a good sign, I guess), the lab work came back as negative, and although we won't know the final results for two more weeks, at this point, my dad doesn't the incurable cancer we feared he might have. Thank you God! They did have to take more than they anticipated in his surgery, though, and they also had to reconstruct his bladder, and he did lose a large amount of blood (800 millimeters, apparently), but he's on the road to recovery, and for that, I had to let the tears come out.

To be honest, this wasn't the first time they came...  A couple of days beforehand, as I was calling my parents to wish them luck before they left on their journey to Boise, I had a few tears take me by surprise. And then later that same day, Brailey heard Brady ask me about the "really bad cancer," and when we would know. Once it was just her and I alone, she asked me what the bad cancer meant, and much to my surprise, the tears threatened to spill out again. Brailey is very attuned to other people's emotions, and she quickly said, "Oh it's okay, Mom, you don't have to talk about it." After a moment, I was able to explain it to her, tear free.

Getting the news yesterday was more than I could take, though, and the tears of relief and joy came pouring out. And while I was sniffling, Brailey explained to Britt they were tears of happiness, and then Britt shared that he had "had a tear in the middle of the night for Papa, too." He said he woke up and thought of Papa and then he had a tear, so he started practicing his Hail Mary prayer... This made me cry a little more.

And now, today, I am still emotional. I'm not quite ready to trust the news of the cancer, for one thing. In two weeks, we will know for sure, and then I will believe. Also, it is the first day back to school after Christmas vacation, and I am oh-so-lonely for my little B's! They were so fun and precious over the break, playing with each other and being their happy little selves, and now my house is stark raving quiet, save for the snore of our pug Rosin. I can't think of a single fight they had the entire break - they played everything from Barbies to Pirates to Legos and beyond. They even planned a party on the day of the Rose Bowl to celebrate the game, complete with a game they made up, "Duck, Duck, Chip Kelly!" And once again, I had to send them off to school, which always makes me feel like I am throwing them to the wolves. I have to admit they lose a bit of their closeness when school is in session - I think this is from the stimulation they have from their schedules, learning, other kids and the stress. Oh how I cherish their time together with just the two of them...

So yah, an emotional start to the new year, but that's okay. Sometimes emotions are meant to be embraced, and that's what I'm doing. Embracing my emotions, and just rolling with them. Happy 2012!


  1. So glad to hear you got good news regarding your dad....That would have brought tears to my eyes for sure.

    Shoot, just having the non-fighting bonding that your two kiddos have practically brings tears to my kids are of the more "typical" variety when it comes to sibling rivalry.

    Hope this good news and "happy tears" are only a taste of what's to come in 2012 for you!

  2. So glad to hear your good news. I am truly a big baby, so tears come quite easily for me: good, bad or ugly! The power of prayer is for sure wonderful. Miss you guys and have a wonderful new year!!!! The Merz Family


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